Category Archives: reflection

After all these years I’m Still A Mess

This is my sulking day. Yea, this happens from time to time. When it does I usually just keep to myself and wait for the dark clouds to pass. But today I’ll tell those who are willing to listen

I’m so disappointed with my maturity level. You would think after 6+ decades I’d be much further along. But Still a MessI’m still a mess

I’m far to irritable. At times I’m as thinned-skinned as a spoiled child. When I was a younger man I talked a good game of breaking the cycle but it never happened – dysfunction still reins

Have I changed at all? Today I would tell you no, not too much

I react the same way I did a quarter of a century ago. Age hasn’t exactly refined my appetites. Other feelings –some good, some bad– come and go, seemingly at their own whim. I sometimes plummet into a loneliness that swallows every trace of joy and weakens any desire I have to be around people and things

I desire to be accepted as I am, to hear someone say something good about me and something good about what I do. Feeling unwanted and unwantable is painful. This self-loathing feels like a poison apple. This poisonous feeling distorts my thinking. It drains me and shuts me up in the perverse joys of sulking

People who know me would say that I am painting an unfairly harsh picture of myself. And, happily, I agree. All that I said above is true, but I’m not telling the whole story. I think I’m a generous person. Often thoughtful, sometimes sacrificially kind. I’m committed to my family. I’m serious about my faith. I am neither dishonest with my tax forms nor immoral in motel rooms

But honest scrutiny of my life still reveals much lacking. I long to be what I’m not, to feel what I rarely feel, to love as I have never loved

But one thing is clear to me. I have a beautiful wife who loves me –even in my funk